"Well, everyone is entitled to their opinion."
That was the only response I had during a conversation recently, during which information was shared that could have made me feel less than good about myself.
Hi! If you're new here, I am Angela, your regular schmegular 40-something-year-old, full-time-working toddler Mom, holding a graduate degree in Counseling Psychology but non-Practicing therapist, who had an early onset mid-life pivot and learned a whole lot of good shit and tenacity. I can't forget the side of wisdom which helps me navigate the bullshit, like you're about to read, that can arise. Diet Coke is now my little weekly treat. My 40s is apparently gangster.
So, here we are in 2025, we're middle-aged adults (in this case, the person making the comments is much older than me); many of us would like to think people would know by now that making negative (in the sense of potentially harmful) comments about someone, let alone their appearance or character, is not the vibe. Yet, it seems that's not always the case, and we often find ourselves receiving an opinion we didn't ask for, and surely could have done without.
During the chat, it was disclosed that someone had mentioned something about my features that was less than complimentary or kind in a conversation (potentially harmful or a seeming gossip session) to someone close to me. That person passed the comments along to me, which I could have done without, however, here nor there.
I'd love to say this was the first time something rude was shared with me about myself; however, it wasn't. The only difference between previous times and the present day is how I responded. I could have reacted differently. But didn't. I could have felt different, but I wasn't affected, unlike the past when I heard unkind comments about myself.
Why not? How is this different?
Hear me out.
Many years ago, in my own therapy, I was working through feelings of guilt and shame that I felt someone was inflicting upon me. "They make me feel so guilty about my choices!"
Oof. That one almost certainly left a mark. But stay with me; I promise this all has a point.
If you understand the realm of emotions, guilt, and shame are the Mack Daddies of emotions, meaning they top the scale of the negatives. While guilt and shame are both considered negative emotions and have different meanings, they can easily be correlated. For example, while guilt is the emotion we feel after we do something wrong, shame is the emotion we feel when our views on our self and self-worth are impacted. See? They are different, but one rides a shotgun while the other drives.
"Get in, loser, we're going to be miserable!"
Even worse, if we allow them, guilt and shame will be the driving force in our lives, taking down everything around us. Furthermore, if someone attempts to inflict these emotions on us, it can be a control tactic in a power struggle, to keep you exactly where they want you.
*Tap, tap, on the mic* Are you still there? I am about to make my point. We do not have to accept guilt and shame if someone offers it to us. I repeat we are not inclined to take it just because someone is offering us something, whether a job offer, an alcoholic beverage when we do not drink, or, you got it, even guilt and shame.
Or even an unsolicited opinion. In this case, this could have led to a whole plethora of shame about myself, feelings of unworthiness, or shame about what I look like. The difference now? Thanks for the offer; you're entitled to your opinion. However, I respectfully do not accept it.
Just because someone has something negative to say about us, our appearance, our careers, our spouse (Or what they look like... Been there with this one, too, sadly), our hobbies, our joy and happiness, we do not have to accept it.
Now, I wouldn't be real if I evaded the fact that I, too, far in the past, have been on the offering end of unsolicited comments. Thankfully, I worked through why I may have made the comments myself, learned from my mistakes (and anger), and did not let the shame of the past sneak in. Instead, I used it as fuel to continue to grow. My own previous wrongdoings also help me understand other people and have compassion for them and where they are. (Sidenote: Compassion does not mean acceptance.)
Lastly, not that it entirely matters, but always look where the feedback is coming from. If you wouldn't trade places with them, don't let their opinion define you. Consider the character of the source. And most importantly, choose wisely. This includes if it comes from me.
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